Another Loss

Sunday morning I trimmed my horse, Sadie, for the last time. She is going to stay in Georgia when we move, and I am no longer going to be listed as her owner.

Right before Dane died, we talked about getting a second horse and trailer and going on more trail rides. He was a reluctant horseman, hauling manure for me and fixing fences when necessary, but not particularly interested in horses in general. He just liked to get on and ride. Once in the first year I had Sadie, he hopped on her, turned her away from the barn, and kicked her, firmly. She took off. I mean full stride thoroughbred took off. She had just come from a dressage barn and was incredibly sensitive on her sides, moving off the slightest leg pressure.

His leg pressure was not slight. I was a little worried as she shot down the lane in the direction of the road, but he managed to turn her around and trot back, bouncing around in the saddle with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Sadie was a Christmas present; Dane adopted her for me on December 19th, 2005. She was my first horse, and she will probably be my last horse. I waited 34 years for my first horse, and Dane opened up the space for that to happen.

As I trimmed her this morning, breathing in her horsey smell and feeling her horsey lips on my back, I felt, hopefully, my last loss of this cycle of losing and leaving. I think my brain is foggy, almost like the muddy weeks after Dane died. Still, this seems my coping mechanism, initially. Fog, then clarity.

On Friday, she goes back to the rescue from whence she came. I made her  a promise that I have to break, and I am trying to let that be what it is. Another loss.