Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Curse

Perhaps it's just the weather.

I am a human barometer and have had a headache for a couple days now as we cycle through atmospheric highs and lows.

Maybe it's the dreams I keep having (Dane flits in and out, and they aren't always lovely), and the fact that because one hip is higher than the other I am sleeping, poorly, on the opposite side in an attempt to even me out a little.

Maybe it's the stress of trying to finish the tiny house prior to our conference in two weeks.

Maybe it's the fact that The Child seems to have decided that I am superfluous.

Whatever it is, this has been a rough week. Lonely-making. Sad.

I keep reading that the second year after a spouse's death is harder than the first. I wouldn't say it's hard in the same way. This might be when the despair sets in, for lack of a less-dramatic word. I am not interested in spending the rest of my life alone. I can't quite imagine a relationship with another person yet, but I cannot see being alone forever. I think the women in my family have been cursed until now: aunts, mother, grandmothers, all alone. This fate does not interest me in the least. I don't need lots of people, but generally I like a co-conspirator.

Sicily and I have decided that the best course is to find a 25-year-old (better chances of me outliving him, although as previously demonstrated still no guarantee) who has a kid (Sicily's request; she'd like a sibling that I will not be providing any time soon). She has also approved Ryan Gosling for this position, even though he is a little older. Which is awesome because he is so very pretty.

This could go into a very dark place, so that's it's for now. If anyone has Ryan Gosling's number, maybe get in touch. :)