Monday, February 17, 2014

Grief is a Fucker

I curse like a sailor. Maybe it doesn't all make it out of my mouth, but in my head it's a minefield of seriously raunchy trashmouth.

I hesitate to title a blog with "fucker," but there really is no other way to describe it.

Yesterday, the one-year anniversary of Dane's death, was about as good as it could be, until 11:30 pm when I woke up from a nightmare and came downstairs to find The Child on her computer, in her room, watching some bullshit YouTube crap.

She is 13. It wasn't porn. It was, in fact, some guy urging people to donate to The Trevor Project, which promotes equality and no bullying of LGBTQ teens and offers a 24-hour suicide prevention hotline. So it was a good thing.


Rule the First: No computers in bedrooms.
Rule the Second: Screens off after 10 p.m. Read a fucking book, for fuck's sake. #FFS

This is not complicated. It is not murky or unclear. There are reasons for these rules, which have been explained.

And there I was, AGAIN, confiscating the fucking phone and computer, too pissed to go back to sleep.

And there I was, AGAIN, pissed in the morning on the way to yoga, that I get to be the Asshole Enforcer, alone. Now that the phone has been taken, The Child has to come everywhere with me because we have no home phone. AGAIN.

And there I was, AGAIN, feeling sorry for myself, missing Dane, crying at yoga, stretched out like a fucking rubber band because you get into these poses and then hold them for HOURS until your fascia releases and then you can't get back out because it's like Stretch Armstrong when you've stretched him too much and he won't stretch back. So you have to physically lift up your body parts to move again.  It's called Yin Yoga and the only thing feminine about it is that your legs are splayed wide open for very long periods of time like maybe you're a tired extra on The Strip in Vegas.

But I digress.

Fuck grief and day 366 and PARENTING ALONE, not by choice or because there was a divorce or you broke up but because you have NO SAY and it cannot be changed.

Fuck this day. It is NOT the business.


  1. I am constantly reminding myself to not curse like a sailor, it only seems to get worse the older I get. I did Yin Yoga once and your description of it is right on. I hope day 369 goes differently for you.

    1. I wonder why that is...I think while I was raising my little kid I censored myself, but now that she's grown I have let it go a little. Okay, a lot. A whole lot. :)

  2. heart weeps for you. Sending love