Thursday, February 6, 2014

Anxiety, or The Monster in the Closet

I have had some serious anxiety since the calendar flipped to February 1. Like heart pounding so bad it is moving my body when I am seated, hallucinating, blood pressure raising anxiety, for three of the last five nights and the other two days. I have nearly had to leave yoga class just as it started because of lightheadedness and nausea (two amazing hallmarks of my anxiety: passing out and puking).

When I lay down to sleep, I will doze off (eventually; earliest bedtime has been two a.m.), only to come gasping awake minutes later. This goes on for several hours, every night.

I do, of course, have meds for this, but in the past I chose not to take them often because A) they are addictive, and B) I am not a fan of being addicted to things. I have taken them every day for the past five days.

Something in me is registering the anniversary of Dane's death. There are deeper forces at work here. I can be fine all day, but the light goes off and I the bell rings for a nightly battle. On Saturday, February 1st, I woke up to the sound of Dane's voice; I don't know what he said, but it was unmistakably his voice. And so it began.

It is only the 6th. For now, I am still fit for company, but many more days of this and things could get ugly. My flight instinct is kicking in, and we may need to leave town for a couple days. The Monster in the Closet is real, kids. Totally.

On a totally unrelated note, and just because I am inordinately proud of this, the Food Stadium is up on YouTube. Best Super Bowl Snack award for 2014. Yeah, I made that up. What of it?

Here it is, in all of its glory:

(we didn't even make a dent. It's Thursday and we are still finishing off the wings and sandwiches)


  1. I didn't know that a Food Stadium was a thing, and yours is amazing. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through right now.

    1. Thank you, for the compliment and the support. The Seahawks were my husband's team, and a couple weeks before he died he predicted they would win it all this year. So it was a great game, and a delicious stadium! Next year we are going to add an edible blimp.

  2. That is so amazing. I am not a big football fan (I go for the food!) but wanted the Seahawks to win so I am glad they did!