Tuesday, December 3, 2013

A Big, Inflated Ego

My horoscope for this week from Free Will Astrology:

"Maybe your ego isn't big enough. I'm serious. Is it possible that you could benefit from being more proud of yourself? Would it be healthy for you to give yourself more credit for the struggles you have weathered and the skills you have mastered and the beauty you have managed to forge out of the chaotic raw materials that life has given you? I've got a good feeling about this, Pisces. I can imagine you summoning the playful courage you will need to express more confidence. I can even picture you beginning to fantasize about embarking on certain stirring adventures you've never believed you were strong enough to try before now."


So this year The Child and I have been saying "yes" to most things we have been asked to do/places to go/experiences to have. The vast majority (okay, all) of these things have dealt with The Child and making opportunities for her. Nothing wrong with that for now.

But in the long-term, eventually I will have to find something to really and truly care about again, and that means, perhaps, inflating my ego a little.

Death has a way of sitting you on your ass. Hard. It is difficult to remain confident and self-assured. And when that happens (thinks punch to the throat), it takes time to stand up again and gather your wits, to feel good about yourself, what you do and why you exist. People who believe in God (or at least profess to actively follow an organized religion) gather those wits by saying "Things happen for a reason," and "S/he's in heaven now." I understand how that could work for them, but it's not quite good enough for me (see earlier posts on this topic and my feeling, in general, about those pithy platitudes).

Which is unfortunate. Because that seems really easy. Turning it over to someone else, saying, "Here. You deal with this, then let me know what happens next."

So I am not doing that. I am trying, hard, to summon some "playful courage," and to "forge something out of the chaotic raw materials life has given [me]." Trying to develop the big, inflated ego that Rob Brezsny says I should have about myself.

Should be interesting...

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