Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I Am Losing Her

I can feel her pulling away.

She is at the stage where I can't possibly understand what she is going through. I can't possibly know how she feels. I can't possibly relate.

I don't know what it's like to feel out of place. Or lonely. Or gawky. Or ugly. Or stupid. Or fat. Or sad. Or trapped. Or desperate.

I have all the answers, and on top of that, I haven't lost my father. Well, at any rate, not as a 13-year-old, so there's that.

She is on the edge of rebelling. She knows I can't make her do anything, but she likes to please me. She isn't doing any of this to hurt me.

She is angry. She is sad. She is lost. But she won't say it. I shouldn't say it. She hasn't said it to me; I just know her in her bones. I see it in her eyes. I feel it coming off her in waves.

We are truly back, and in the thick of it again.

I can feel her pulling away.


  1. Hang in there Suze. There isn't anything I can say to make you feel any different except hang in there and always let her know t hat you are there and how much she is loved and supported. Believe me, grief doesn't go away quickly, if at all. And it turns into other things before it even thinks about leaving.
    Hang in there.


  2. You should just turn comments off on this blog because no word, no recorded thought, and no self-indulged quote will do justice to the pain, confusion, frustration, discovery, etc. you are going through and writing about. My heart aches just to read your words. I would offer a hug but what would that even do? Give a moment of tangible feeling for a few seconds? What can I do for Sicily? Nothing. I can't bring the truth out of her. I can't provoke her to self-discovery. I can't learn the lessons for her. And neither can you for that matter. What I can do though is pray. I believe in that. I believe in my words of prayer and the God I send them up to. I believe that those deepest, most unspeakable, most unintelligible words in my heart are what I can give that will have the greatest dividends. So I give them to you Suzannah. I give you those prayers. I pray for you; because of you. I pray for Sicily and in honor of her, in spite of her, in agreement with her, etc. I love you both and know in MY bones that life has more for both of you. It may not be soon but it will be authentic.

    1. Thank you, Andrew. This is a gift that means so much to me. I am grateful to you, and to Crystal and to TM. Thank you.